Added: Kyleen Llamas - Date: 20.10.2021 17:20 - Views: 29408 - Clicks: 9496
Better yet, read a book by a divorce lawyer about why people divorce. James J. Sexton has spent nearly 20 years handling custody disputes, child care payments, prenups and postnups, and basically every conceivable divorce scenario. They come in for big reasons like infidelity or financial improprieties.
But from my perspective, these big reasons have their origins in a succession of smaller choices that people make that take them further and further away from each other, to the point where those small things no longer feel quite so small. Everyone, when they get married, starts off with the same destination in mind. We want to live happily ever after. No one ever gets married with the intention of getting divorced. Very slowly and then all at once. There are lots of little things that happen and then the flood comes, then the big things happen.
Take it seriously. The simplest advice that I give to people is to look at it like the purchase of a car, because I think, sometimes, people give more thought to the purchase of a car than they do to the decision to get married. Why do people stay together you could have any car in the world, what car do you want?
I want a Ferrari. Because my life is going to change. Is this a person who can change with me so that we end up [moving] in the same direction? Or is this someone who makes sense for me at this chapter and may not in the future? I think people often assume marriage is a smart thing to do without even asking themselves this question.
I take your point. Do you have relationship issues? Do you have intimacy issues? How will it improve our relationship, our life? Are we trying to solve the problem of loneliness? Because you can be married and still be quite lonely. Is it the problem of not having sex? Being married is no more of a guarantee of having lots of sex than living near a restaurant is a guarantee of being well fed.
Is it cultural pressure? Is there something that is lacking in the relationship that Why do people stay together think would be solidified by being married? We jokingly refer to these people as tire kickers in the industry. The first thing I try to do is educate people about their rights and obligations when it comes to marriage. Marriage is the most legally ificant thing you will do, other than dying. It changes your property ownership rights. It changes your obligations when it comes to support.
Your ability to select a beneficiary for your life insurance policy has just changed. Your ability to hold property in your sole name just changed. Then, as a divorce lawyer who sincerely tries to be ethical, I talk to people about steps they might take to avoid the worst-case scenario. The problem I have with Facebook specifically is that Facebook creates these very plausibly deniable reasons for you to be connecting with people emotionally in ways that are toxic to marriages.
And what are we looking at? Because what do we put on our social media? We post our best moments. We put our coolest pictures where we look the best. We put our most exciting things. We curate carefully what we put up there. Maintaining physical intimacy is so important. I think sex is the glue, but there are lots of reasons why people disconnect from each other physically. For example, people fall into routines. Eventually, that becomes a routine, which becomes more solidified over time. And then anytime you try to break out of it, it can be kind of weird and unexpected. So people stick to what they know.
I want to ask you about the importance of forgiveness, of not letting resentments build up and eat away at a relationship. These are the small things that become big things over time. I think that all of us, if you catch us at the right moment, can be good or bad. Most of us just want to stay connected, and we really do want to love people and be loved ourselves. I think that we sell people a bill of goods about what love is supposed to look like.
Love is a verb. Love is so quick. You put on weight slowly and you lose weight slowly. You very slowly gain weight, but sure enough, it happens. I think you fall in love really fast, then fall out of love slowly. And if you want to keep your love alive, you have to be attentive to all the little things that go wrong along the way, and constantly course-correct. Our mission has never been more vital than it is in this moment: to empower through understanding. Financial contributions from our readers are a critical part of supporting our resource-intensive work and help us keep our journalism free for all.
Reddit Pocket Flipboard. Shutterstock If you want to know why marriages break apart, and what it looks like when they do, talk to a divorce lawyer. Luckily for you, that book exists, and I decided to interview the author. A lightly edited transcript of our conversation follows. Sean Illing What are the most common Why do people stay together people end up in your office? Sexton They come in for big reasons like infidelity or financial improprieties. Sexton Take it seriously. Next Up In Conversations. Delivered Fridays. Thanks for ing up!
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